{"id":16938,"date":"2020-04-02T09:35:37","date_gmt":"2020-04-02T14:35:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.moundsparkacademy.org\/news\/?p=16938"},"modified":"2022-03-29T13:59:52","modified_gmt":"2022-03-29T18:59:52","slug":"a-transformative-moment-for-emotional-development-covid-19","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.moundsparkacademy.org\/news\/2020\/04\/02\/a-transformative-moment-for-emotional-development-covid-19\/","title":{"rendered":"COVID-19: A Transformational Moment For Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"lower\u201cThe most valuable thing that will come from this pandemic is that we don\u2019t have time to save our kids from negative emotions anymore.\u201d Mounds Park Academy school psychologist Jules Nolan shared this observation in a recent virtual MPA parent education session.<\/p>\n

In recent years, Nolan has observed an unfortunate parenting style that involves parents \u201cover saving\u201d their children from experiencing negative emotions. The unintended consequence of this well-intentioned approach is that too many young adults fall apart at the first sign of a challenge. With the COVID-19 pandemic, parents do not have the time, resources, or emotional energy to assuage every moment of their children\u2019s boredom, loneliness, frustration, and anger. This is a good thing.<\/p>\n

Nolan likens the COVID-19 situation to wartime, where every family member has to take responsibility for the functioning of the family. She calls it \u201can opportune moment to embrace the idea that our children are an important part of our family\u2014but they are not to be the centerpiece of the family.\u201d<\/p>\n

Over the next several weeks, kids will become skilled at being sad, bored, lonely and disappointed. They will gain experience in tolerating uncertainty, navigating frustration, and overcoming boredom. These skills are connected to regulating emotions, and predict strong outcomes for kids such as good performance in school, college, and life (Durlak et. al., 2011). Nolan sees our current reality as \u201ca rich garden, ready for cultivating the social and emotional skills that kids really need to develop.\u201d<\/p>\n

Recommendations for Navigating COVID-19<\/strong>
\nAs parents, how we present ourselves to our children matters because we \u201cco-regulate\u201d our emotions with our kids. Co-regulation means that the emotions and behaviors of the parents and the children are connected. Younger kids co-regulate with us more intensely, and our frustrations and anger elevates them more than these emotions affect older children, but all people are influenced by the emotional states of others. Our children\u2019s decision-making, impulses, and reactions are affected by our emotional states.<\/p>\n

With this idea in mind, Nolan recommends that as parents, you:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Take care of yourself first.<\/strong> The expression \u201cput your own mask on before helping others\u201d may be overused, but it\u2019s a critical sentiment. Attend to your mental and physical health: eat good foods, exercise, and sleep; pray, if it\u2019s part of your spiritual tradition; practice mindfulness and meditation, and connect with people in a way that provides meaning in your life. But be realistic. You won\u2019t be able to tackle all of those self-care practices each day. Try incorporating at least one of those things into your life every day.<\/li>\n
  2. Model \u201cnaming\u201d your emotions in front of your kids.<\/strong> When you name your emotions, it helps you deal with them. Nolan says \u201cpsychologists tell us that when you name it, you tame it.\u201d If you can\u2019t name it specifically, talk out loud about how you are feeling, and why, but not in a way that accuses anyone else of causing the emotion. Simply saying \u201cI feel uncomfortable in my stomach, and I think it is because I know I have a report to write, and I\u2019m having a hard time concentrating on it\u201d. According to Nolan we have 2,000 words to describe emotions, but adults only use about 15 and kids only use five. Kids who have more words around emotion in 1st and 2nd grade are less anxious and depressed in 6th and 7th grade. This is a great time to build emotional literacy.<\/li>\n
  3. Show how you expect to be treated.<\/strong> When you yell at your kids, you\u2019re showing them that it\u2019s okay to yell at the people you love the most and that it\u2019s okay to be yelled at by the ones who love you best. Remember that we\u2019re always parenting for the current moment and for their future.<\/li>\n
  4. Practice mindfulness.<\/strong> Pay attention to your breathing and slow down as that process helps you better tolerate negative emotions. But help your kids sit with their anxiety and identify the feeling. Then, they can work through it with calming strategies. But understand that having anxiety is normal and natural, and the more practice they get just \u201csitting with it and not trying to escape it, the more skilled they will become with anxiety.\u201d Mindfulness is a great tool to build resilient brains that can better manage strong emotions including anxiety. An app called Headspace is included in the resources below and teaches mindfulness in a more informal and interesting way than most apps.<\/li>\n
  5. Find balance between \u201cneglectful\u201d and \u201coverbearing.\u201d<\/strong> You don\u2019t want to ignore your child\u2019s needs, but you don\u2019t want to solve their problems for them. Nolan says that \u201cwe feel like we are helping when we offer solutions\u201d however, \u201cif you\u2019re better at being a 7th\u00a0grader than your 7th grade child, you can accidentally rob them of the opportunity to build a skill.\u201d Instead, empathize with your child (e.g. \u201cthat sounds really hard\u201d or \u201cI can see you\u2019re struggling with this\u201d) and then provide a space for them to come up with their own solution (e.g. \u201cWhat ideas do you have?\u201d or \u201cWhat have your friends done in similar situations?\u201d).<\/li>\n
  6. Parent later.<\/strong> Anytime a kid is emotionally elevated, they have temporarily lost the ability to encode anything that you\u2019re trying to teach them. The amygdala (fight, flight structure of the brain) is in charge. When you find yourself in an elevated moment (e.g. \u201cHOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?\u201d), walk away, take care of yourself, calm down\u2014and parent later. If you don\u2019t, they\u2019ll learn that big people get to yell at little people and that you are fragile and likely to freak out over little things. They don\u2019t realize that you have asked them to pick up their shoes a thousand times and that you are frustrated. They only notice the blow-up.<\/li>\n
  7. Establish house rules.<\/strong> You\u2019ll be spending a lot of time together as a family, so it\u2019s important to have house rules\u2014and to set consequences for breaking them. During this stressful time, try to give as much slide as you can, and have meetings to discuss the rules and how things are going. This is the time to build the notion that the family is a team and all voices are important, but that the rules help everyone be safe and healthy.<\/li>\n
  8. Go ahead and cry.<\/strong> When you\u2019re sad or grieving a loss, crying is a natural response. Crying releases cortisol, a stress hormone, and makes us feel better. Just avoid crying in front of your kids when they make you mad or frustrated or you are feeling out of control. Kids need to know that you\u2019re in charge. Cry, if you need to, as it\u2019s good for kids to understand that humans have a wide range of emotions, but you don\u2019t want them to think that they \u201cmade\u201d you cry. That is too much emotional responsibility for children.<\/li>\n
  9. Actively seek the \u201cpro social\u201d moments.<\/strong> If you find yourself disciplining too much, adjust your approach. To maintain a good relationship, aim for four positive interactions for every one negative encounter\u2014and a ratio of five to one in order to help repair a relationship. Pay attention to the \u201cpro social\u201d behaviors they\u2019re exhibiting and call them out, even if it\u2019s a small moment in the midst of fighting, or a neutral behavior when nothing is happening. (See \u201cThe Nurtured Heart\u201d resource below.)<\/li>\n
  10. Practice gratitude:<\/strong> Gratitude is the antagonist of sadness. Recognizing when you\u2019re thankful for something creates happiness, so encourage kids and adults to articulate why they\u2019re grateful. A sad child might write a letter to someone who has influenced them and then read the letter to that person. Prayer expressed as gratitude makes us calm, but asking for graces to \u201cspare us\u201d can make you more anxious.<\/li>\n
  11. Don\u2019t interview for injury.<\/strong> If kids say they\u2019re okay, believe them. Dig deeper if you think there\u2019s something amiss because their behavior isn\u2019t matching \u201cI\u2019m fine\u201d and you notice big changes in eating, sleeping, and engaging. But watch the way you\u2019re interacting with your child, when they\u2019re being negative. If they get more of you when they\u2019re miserable, that approach might lead to more complaining because they\u2019ll have your attention if they do.<\/li>\n
  12. Connect for the greater good:<\/strong> The more we use emotional energy to produce good for other people, the better we feel. So encourage your child to put their strong emotional energy toward something positive. Have them connect with friends, write inspirational notes to people in nursing homes or develop games for younger kids to play.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    \"upperAt MPA, we teach from the whole-child philosophy, so the focus on the social and emotional aspects of learning is part of what we do every day. Given the current situation, it\u2019s important to focus on this aspect of our collective learning both for ourselves and our children. At the same time, we need to realize that the next few weeks are a marathon and not a sprint. We need to recognize the potential for cognitive overload\u2014we only have so much emotional reserve. Self-care in the coming weeks will be critical so we can replenish what we\u2019re expending.<\/p>\n

    \u201cAs a school we will be changing as time goes on, which is good for kids, too,\u201d says Dr. Bill Hudson, head of school. \u201cI am hopeful that we can model as adults, both as parents and educators, that learning happens continuously, that it happens in the moment, that we can react in real time, and we\u2019re open to change. These are all attributes that we can build among our young people and ourselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Annotated Resources<\/strong><\/p>\n