March 31, 2016
I have a very strong-willed daughter. From the time that she was an infant, she possessed an independence many adults have yet to achieve. No matter how hard I tried to help her, she displayed a determination to do things on her own, whether it was taking those tentative first steps or learning to balance on and pedal a bike. As she enters adolescence, I have to continually remind myself that the very qualities that frustrate me now are the same ones that will serve her well as she makes her mark in the world.
Perhaps the greatest single piece of parenting advice I have ever received was, “Parent the child you have. Not the one you hoped for or dreamed of.” The challenge of parenthood is to provide the environment so that our children can be who they really are. It isn’t to remove obstacles, but to be by their side to support our children when they encounter them. Clearly, if they are running with scissors or juggling knives, we need to step in, but we parents must develop the wisdom to know when to intervene and when to let them learn on their own. It can be difficult to watch them makes mistakes as children that we, as adults, can foresee. Letting them learn through trial and error, however, is a powerful teacher. As our school psychologist, Dr. Steve Kahn, believes strongly in the power of experience. When I, as a parent, have asked for guidance in determining when to intervene with my own children, his response was, “Is there a cliff involved?”
A recent article in The New Yorker by Maria Konnikova looked into existing research on resilience in children. Early research looked at resiliency that resulted from socioeconomic status, a difficult home-life, or trauma. More recent research focuses more on how we approach adversity rather than the event or condition. If we learn to frame adversity as a challenge, we become more flexible, more equipped to deal with it constructively, to learn from it, and to move on.
Being an educator is similar to being a parent. At MPA, it is not uncommon to hear our teachers talk about “their kids,” referring to their students. As a school, we are as committed to helping our students learn resiliency as much as math or English. Resiliency is taught in many ways, but most importantly, by the way in which teachers interact with students, such as when their clay pot collapses on the pottery wheel or when the first draft (or first several drafts) of a speech don’t have the impact the student wants.
An article for the NAEYC (National Association for the Education of Young Children) by Peter Pizzolongo and Amy Hunter argue that, “Children who demonstrate resilience come from families and communities that provide caring and support, hold high expectations, and encourage children’s participation.” The MPA experience provides exactly that kind of environment – a safe community in which to be yourself and be creative, while having new opportunities that push students to be their best. As the sign on middle school math teacher Dan Ethier’s door states, “You are entering a high challenge, high support environment.”
Resilient children are those who come to meet the world on their own terms. They may not always find immediate success, but they learn to see their early attempts as steps on a ladder to ultimate success. Thomas Edison provided an excellent example of how resiliency leads to success, when he famously quipped, “I’ve not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
